idiot_bagfireSeriously. Hmmmm, that’s right – I’m asking it!

After the election of Captain Kool-Aid and coupled with my recent experiences at my own electrocution chair, also know as an American movie theater, you’d probably be questioning it too. Don’t deny it, biyatches.

My husband couldn’t have said it any better:

Today’s wisdom: If you are going to the movies, and you decide you need to bring a stroller with you, maybe you should rethink going to the movies.

This weekend I had the pleasure of enduring not one, but TWO sets of dipshit parents bring babies (YES! Actual babies) to the theater to see Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale and my new booooooooyfriend, Sam Worthington. I know you’re thinking the more important question is why would I go see Terminator Salvation twice at the movie theater. Pahleaze – to that I say, hmmmm, next. Yeah, yeah, I know the ending was, well, as our friend Ryan appropriately put it “BOO!” but the effects were worth the price to see it twice. (Also, this is coming from a person who recently threw away 2 hours of her life watching Bride Wars featuring Kate Hudson with some of the most tranny eye makeup possible – so really, I’ll see anything.)

AnyRuPaul’sDragRace, back to the excellent decision making by some of my fellow American citizens. So guess who doesn’t like to go see movies with loud explosions. That’s right – BABIES! Everytime there was an explosion the baby would respond with a wailing cry because (HEADS UP to all those “parents” who haven’t caught on yet to the obvious) a baby doesn’t speak so crying is their way of telling you they’re not feeling the love of the movie going experience no matter how much you day dream about marrying Christian Bale. OR that they too are wondering why someone in Hollywood hasn’t told Bale to kill it with his “Batman voice.” The obvious estimation is that it’s really the former, so in otherwords – L.E.A.V.E!

You read that right – Leave the theater. Wait until you can either get a babysitter, rent it from the local Blockbuster, or download a “shared” version via Bit Torrent. There are things more important in life than watching rapper Common try to act his way out of a paper bag.  Like being a decent parent who doesn’t expose their newborn child’s sensitive ears to massive amounts of sound waves from digital explosions.

I know you’re thinking it’s all the baby’s fault with your “Eh, she/he just won’t stop crying.” Newsflash, Mr./Ms. Parent of the Year, your baby is crying because that’s it’s way of communicating to fix the current situation they think is miserable. It’s not purposely trying to ruin your movie experience. My baby translation skillz tell me your baby is really saying “Mom/Dad, WTF! Take me out of this uncomfortable environment. My needs should come before yours because I’m the kid and you’re the parent.”

stupid_parentsAnd BTW just saying “Shhh!” in response to your child’s succinct crying with the movie’s explosions is not helping. Clearly if you think that “Shhh” is having an effect, you have the IQ of an ape and should have been required to pass a test to get licensed prior to conceiving in the first place. GAH! Matt Judge is my generations Nostradamus – Idiocracy is actually going to happen!

Too many people in this country need a dose of medicine I call The Reality Check. It’s like I’m honestly waiting to wake up one day and hear people in mass hysteria saying WTF! and shouting back “We’re Not Gonna Take It” in unison at the establishment. To which I’ll then just sit back, smirk my ass off and think “Told. You. So.”

Okay. Breathe. Rant over.  Back to the daily grind in the cube farm.

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